Arrogance

I should be studying tonight, but i have a lot on my mind today.  I think I often use different tactics to deflect or hide myself.  People often cannot tell the amount of quiet pain and rage I go through...

I know that i can come accross very arrogant or overly confident.  I have always had a problem with this.  I try to be very sure of whatever I say, but because of that I often come across as a pompous ass.  Sadly the truth is very far from that...

I often think that I am not good enough, a lot... it is something that i have held on to since I was in High School.  I didn't do that well, I didn't apply myself, because I saw people around me as being better than me.  I wasn't particularly athletic, smart, or talented.  I didn't excel very much... The problem is, I don't believe I could do anything.  I still have that problem.  All I know is that I can do well with people around me.  I do best when I don't do it for myself.  Thats why i've been getting these professionalism cards.  I help people.  It is what I do.  When I was in college I realized I had a special gift, a spiritual gift of encouragement.  I felt best when I was helping people.  Getting that thank you or people acknowledging made me feel very happy.  It is also why I like to teach.  I like when people thank me for being helpful.  The problem is I haven't been doing what I need to academically.  

I don't like when people don't like me.  I always want to please people... it can be very difficult...  I'll lie if i need to.  Just for someone to like me.  

I think I enjoyed therapy.  That woman really helped me out when i needed someone qualified to talk to.  I've been down a dark path before and I came out ok.  

The way i think about myself is very tied up in what people think of me.  It was pretty helpful when I had a girlfriend.  I said it a lot in my old posts, she made me feel like less of a screwup...  But she's gone now so its back to trying to convince myself I'm not a moron.  It's hard... very hard...

I still think lowly of myself  most of the time.  It is stuff like p-cards that help me realize I may not be that bad...

How to heal a broken heart...

This is my first entry in a long time that hasn't been private.  I had been chronicling a relationship with a wonderful girl.  In the end she broke my heart, and she did it in a very bad way.  She broke up with me on chinese new years.  I have a right to be angry about how things ended.  She had been distant and downright mean for the last month of our relationship.  When I needed her most, she turned her back on me and left me to fend for myself.  It was before a major exam, and I know it affected my performance.  I was physically hurt from overexertion and mentally fatigued.  I wanted some emotional support, and she didn't provide me any.  It is what probably hurt the most.  

The timing couldn't have been worse.  She often accused me of being selfish, since I wanted to stay with her despite the fact that our future was dim.  With her going back to China in 3 years, it seemed it might have been best to end things earlier.  But I loved her so I wanted to stay with her.  I guess it was my fault.  But her timing... I have a major test next week.  Over the weekend I was unable to study, but today things have been better.  An odd thing happened this morning though... I received a call at 7:30 in the morning from a skype number.  I doubt it was any of my family because they are all on the west coast which meant it would have been 4 in the morning, and it was to my dominican number.  I think it might have been her, so curiosity got the better of me and I sent her an email to see if she called me.  For the past month, she only called me if she needed something, and like a loyal dog, I helped her whenever I could.  I do not wish her ill.  I hope she does ok.  I wonder if she will ever want me back.  IF that "love" she has for me is really there...  should I take her back if she wants to?  It's a dream really.  She was done with me for a month, it just took her a while to tell me that.  

I wonder what happens now...  I haven't had to deal with heart break like this before... not from someone who claims to love me.  I haven't had much luck with love.  

For now though, I have to try to do my best to forget about her and study.  It's difficult though, she bought me a watch.  I am used to wearing it as a reminder that she is with me in a small way.  She used to wear a ring I bought her; she lost it about 2 months ago.  I guess it was an omen.  

I trust in a plan.  And i hope every happiness on her, even if I am not there to supply it.

What to do

What do I do if my parents don't approve of the woman I love?

9 years